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Particularities of psychological support in experience of meaningful relationship break (return phenomenon)
Section 4. Other aspects of Psychotechnology
Zhedunova Lyudmila Grigoryevna, Yaroslavl State Pedagogical University, Doctor of science, professor, Department of General Psychology
E-mail: lzhedunova@mail.ru Possisoev Nikolay Nikolaevich, Yaroslavl Education Development Institute. Candidate of science, assistant professor E-mail: ardat54@mail.ru
Particularities of psychological support in experience of meaningful relationship break (return phenomenon)
Abstract: The article describes and analyzes the psychotherapeutic phenomenon of “double loop” and its role in the experience of meaningful relationships break. The authors make an appropriate allocation of the phenomenon as a way out of the merger and restoration of the “I” boundaries. The paper proposes a strategy of psychotherapeutic work at different stages of experience in gaining autonomy.
Keywords: “double loop” phenomenon, experience, autonomy, confluent interaction, psychological support.
Experience of break of the meaningful relationships in the couple “man-woman” is one the significant topics in the practice of counseling. Due to intensification and complication of relationships formalization in the social medium, psychological intimacy with a meaningful partner, particularly in marital relations, is acquiring special importance [1]. Noting diversity of phenomenology of the relationships break experience, we, within the framework of the present article, would like to dwell on one phenomenon, named by us as a “return” phenomenon or “a double loop”. In counseling people experiencing breaks of meaningful relationships, we singled it out as a standalone phenomenon. This refers to the need of going back to the relationships with a partner, which the other partner (to his mind) decided to terminate. What is more, this decision might be attributed to various causes — to external ones, connected with the partner’s behaviour, as well as internal, determined by generation of dissatisfaction and suppositions, concerning the destructive “deteriorative” role of these relations in the context of one’s own life, in other words, a conscience decision.
In such a case the need of going back in relationships can be actualized twice. Consequently, it is possible to indentify two situations, two “loops of return”. The loop metaphor enables us to distinguish availability of a specific circular motion in the relationships dynamics (trajectory). It should be noted that in these cases radically different content is behind one and the same need; the need gratification in going back results in different psychological consequences for a human being.
In the first case the need in coming back (the first loop phenomenon at relationships completion) is rather of a neurotic nature, to the effect, that it is connected with a wish to get rid ofthe anxiety, generated by separation, as soon as possible and restore (preserve) former relations. In the second case the need to resume the relationships (the second loop phenomenon) is rather ofa healthy nature, since it is directed at gaining one’s own integrity and the wish to restore oneselfand bring the relationship to completion. In the first case the individual attempts to return the partner; in the second the attempt is made (incredible as it may seem) to return in order to return oneselfback to oneselfand pull oneself out of these relationship once and for all.
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Section 4. Other aspects of Psychotechnology
In order to illustrate the dynamics of the failing relationships experience, it is reasonable to return to the model of the cycle contacts or the needs gratification cycle, used in the Gestalt therapy [3]. Since Gestalt approach in psychotherapy and psychological counseling is classified under psychodynamic conceptions, the given model enables us to observe how in the process of needs gratification the level of stain is undergoing changes. The first stage of the cycle — the precontact stage, at which awareness and final formation of the need take place. In the course of the precontact the excitement arises, which is required for the need generation. On the second stage — the stage contact — identification the partner (with whom intimate relations are initiated) is carried out. The third stage — the final contact stage contemplates the merger with the object of the need. In the context of the “man-woman” relations experience the merger at this stage is the mechanism that enables them to experience the utmost oneness of feelings, emotions and thoughts. The merger is perceived as a feeling of integrity and dissolving in the partner, which, in the terms of Gestalt therapy, can be described as “egoboundary dissolving”, emergence of the “WE” figure. Leaving the contact, return to oneself, and restoration of the “ego-boundary” comprises the content of the fourth stage — the postcontac stage. Here the endured experience is to be assimilated and the tension reduced to the full, which makes it possible to remain open for new relationships. Such dynamics is typical for unfolding of “healthy” relationships that can last for a certain time and which, in case of termination, are usually accompanied by feelings of gratitude, sadness, etc, which don’t lead to despair and destructive experience.
The first loop phenomenon, described by us, appears in the final phase of the contact cycle, when due to some reason, experience assimilation, restoration of the ego integrity and the tension minimization turn out to be impossible. We believe that it can be explained by the fact that at the final contact stage, supposedly ending into termination of the relationships and autonomy acquisition, there emerges and obstacle, taking form of separation anxiety, which in its turn, triggers a sort of rollback into the past, which actualize the need to experience the lost oneness.
On the behavioral level it manifests itself in the fact that the individual again returns to the partner, reproaching himself for the weakness. From the point ofview of a therapeutic hypothesis formation, which makes it possible to define the activity target while counseling, the major problems at relationships termination are triggered by the mechanism of psychological merger.
In the process of the “confluent interaction” the individual tries to become one whole with the partner: giving up one’s own interests and needs in favour of the partner, demanding from the latter the same. It should be stressed that at the first stage of infatuation such relationships are appraised as very romantic, but later they result in serious problems. The partners, participating in the “confluent interaction”, are hardly aware of their need in autonomous existence. The partner’s image doesn’t match the reality and is overloaded with projections. Even if one partner episodically brings up the issue of leaving the merger, presenting the differences, it is perceived as a threat for the underdeveloped “ego” and treated as a disloyalty.
In this case the counseling should be aimed at reduction of anxiety, connected with separation and at restoration of the lost boundaries. This activity requires lengthy counseling, enabling the client to live through the experience of individual existence. Strictly speaking, the counselor can identify his/her attitude to the wish to return as a variant of the client’s neurotic behaviour, which the former is not inclined to support; nevertheless, the client is to have the right to come to such a decision.
The "second loop" phenomenon is determined by actualization of the autonomy need, which paradoxically can be satisfied at the expense of a sort of shuttle movement:
The first tact of movement (meeting one’s own ego), independent, autonomous experience and internal work aimed at necessity of separation awareness and restoration of the “ego” boundary.
The second tact of movement — return to the real contact with the partner, but not for experiencing the lost merger, but for awareness and isolation of differences between oneself and the partner (I am different; I can perceive my own singleness, being with this individual, remaining, nevertheless, my own self).
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Particularities of psychological support in experience of meaningful relationship break (return phenomenon)
In this case the work of the counselor (behavioral therapist) is defined by two goals:
1. Assistance in restoration of the self, violated by boundaries merger, on the one hand;
2. Support of the client’s intention to return, on the other hand. We believe it is important to leave it at that, which in this case serves as support for the client.
The second loop phenomenon might provoke a strong feeling of guilt, experiencing manipulative character of one’s intentions regarding the former partner. This is why the counseling should fall into the work with the client's feelings and the work, connected with understanding the need to return. The work with the client’s feeling will make him/her understand the guilt formation mechanism, when the individual leaves the merger. The feeling of guilt occurs when
the client’s attitude changes and he/she starts to focus on the own needs rather than on the needs of the partner. This new experience should be supported and assimilated, and the process of going through the experience in question forms the psychological counseling content [2].
The understanding suggests that the counselor must direct the client’s efforts at understanding the personal meaning, which is behind the intention to return, in a wider context of the need to acquire autonomy.
It should be noted that the individual’s constructive experiences of separation leads to gaining specific meta-experience, which enables this person to live through similar situations in a more conscious and less traumatic way.
References:
1. Zhedunova L. G. Posisoev N. N. Modern family: Target for psychological counseling Yaroslavl Pedagogical Journal. Human Sciences. -2014, № 2, P. 223-227.
2. Zhedunova L. G. Posisoev N. N. Transformation of crisis state in the process of experience. Journal of Yaroslavl Demidov State University. Human Sciences. -2014, № 4.
3. Perls F., Goodman P. Gestalt Therapy. Moscow: All-Humanities Research Institute, 2001.
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